Fair Fighting Contract

1. Do your best not to talk or discuss things when you are:

             Hungry  Angry  Lonely  Tired 

                     Rushed  Stressed

2. Let your partner know that you want to dialogue & make an appointment to do so.

    a.  Discuss “current, here & now issues” only at home.  Past issues are to be processed in Couples Therapy or during a separate dialogue appointment.

3. Take time apart and write down main points and put it down on paper in non-abusive, non-name calling language. No cussing or threatening.

4. Rule is - The most upset person talks first - and is mirrored by the other person.  Set a timer.  5 minutes apiece.

5. Notice your body.  If you feel yourself becoming very angry, ask for a time out. 

6.  If you notice your partner becoming very angry , ask if it would be helpful to take a time out for 30 minutes.  If partner refuses and the situation is getting worse, tell your partner that you are taking a time out.

7.Take time out - about 30 minutes - Synchronize watches with each other.

7a.  Alternate tactic to time out is to go to a public place, like Denny’s, and have your dialogue there.  You can also take time out and then go to the public place.

8. During time out

     a.  Listen to a meditation tape.

     b.  Use tapping exercises to calm yourself.

        c.  Say things to yourself like:

   “I know we can work this out.”

   ”My partner is in his/her wounded child.”           “I know my partner loves me.”

“I choose to behave like a self-respecting child of my Higher Power (or God).”

d.Take a walk, do jumping jacks, take a warm bath, etc.               

9. Come back EXACTLY on time and check to see if you both can discuss the issue without losing control (i.e., name calling or cursing).

10. Take another 30-minute time out if necessary.  Otherwise, dialogue.